Friday, July 29, 2011

Getting Back to a Peaceful Life

The Fine Artwork of Carolyn McFann

It's an early Friday morning here in gorgeous Geauga county. The world is so still and peaceful outside. I couldn't sleep so I'm up writing in this blog. I've been busy cleaning, organizing and just enjoying the new house. It's so wonderful, words cannot describe it. From my numerous bedroom windows, clouds just roll by in the big sky. So relaxing. I can't wait to get outdoor furniture so it will be comfortable to draw outside. Doing artwork had been on "back burner" during my move but will soon be top priority again. Fall has always been a busy season for me and this one will be no different. My urge to create is heightened by dealing with family problems. The worse they are, the more charged I am to do artwork. It's a great outlet for my anger and pain, but my drawings aren't dark..rather the opposite. I draw how I want life, animals and other things to be. A kinder, gentler world. It's fun to retreat into the world of marathon drawing or painting and forget the real world for awhile. Just put on some good music or a movie and drown out problems, just create. It's kept me sane all these years :)

My two cats are getting along great now. Beau and Matisse really are buddies, it's wonderful to see. Beau no longer growls at Matt, who has been loving and sweet all along. They can be found snoozing near eachother most of the time now, usually downstairs in the kitchen. Recently I bought a kitchen nook (two benches and a matching table) for my kitchen and the cats have taken it over as theirs. It's cute, but they have to get off when it's time to eat! I come downstairs in the morning to find both cats spread-eagle stretched on the nook, just enjoying the breezes from the windodws nearby. It's amazing that one set of furniture could bring so much entertainment to cats, glad they like it. Nobody sleeps on my bed anymore but me, since they have officially taken over the kitchen.

Later today I will be designing more iPod Touch cases. I've done about 250 so far and there's many more to go. From the way the clouds are looking it might be a good day to stay inside, like it's going to pour. My garden will love it. It will be wonderful go get my garden going but this year it's kind of small. I'm very busy with other things at the moment and will resume gardening here and there. Next year I'll get rose bushes, hydrangea, hosta, mums and other plants but this growing season has been dedicated to moving and indoors work. The few plants I did get in the ground are looking ok, this place is a landscaper's much to do still but oh so fun to think about. As I work on the computer, the garden is in the back of my mind, still in the planning stages.

My heart is heavy about my parents, but I know that it was the right decision to back away from them. I love them so much but mom is just to volatile to be around. She just can't respect me, and tries taking me over as if I have no brain of my own. It's like water torture. Drip...drip...drip...nitpick..pick...correct...analayze... Being corrected, scolded, analyzed, treated like I don't have a brain or common sense hurts. I tried to look the other way, stand up for myself, but it doesn't matter because in her mind I have no rights. And she plays the martyr/victim, always upset if I don't do what she wants or interrupt her endless, unwanted "advice" with "I know, mom". How dare I have a mind of my own! How dare I don't set the table in her house when she demands it. When I have company over, family or not, I don't dictate orders to them. It's my job to treat people like guests, which they are. Not mom, don't do what she wants and get yelled at/guilt tripped/demeaned and belittled. I did the "good daughter" thing and brushed off her quirks as just that..but when she's screaming in my face in a fit of rage and I feel my heart beating out of my chest, I could see that she-and her terroristic ways-have no part of my life. There is no bigger pain than to let go of parents, even abusive ones.

So, my life is my own. There is a sense of deep relief now that wasn't there before. I'm not new to being totally on my own, living in other states and places for many years. Being independent is great. There is total peace. My home is my sanctuary. No yelling, no anger, no fear. Just peace. This is the way life should be. I hired a therapist to help guide me through this separation from family. Therapists in the past helped me gain a different perspective on things besides just my own views. They always suggested that I "run", to get as far away from my parents as possible. I lived in Florida, Pittsburgh, Cancun..yes, I did what they said and it helped. But missed Ohio. I didn't ask for my parents to move close to me, but they did. I went with the flow and tried embracing it all, thinking maybe we all grew up and can get along this time..but no, reality has hit again and now I know it isn't to be. It hurts. It rips my gut out in a million pieces. My stomach churns all the time with tension, internalized sadness. Why can't we just get along? Because mom is a narcissist and just can't have peace. That's why. It sucks.

Luckily, there are other friends and extended family around. Life is still good, my business is a joy as it operates itself nicely. I have much to be thankful for. Work is an escape that I love. Life goes on. The knot in my stomach will dissipate, I will find others to spend time with and the memory of my mother's hysterical, vicious behavior will eventually fade. My parents sneered, "You'll be back" when I left their house last. No, sadly, we don't get along. I won't. I will be visiting your neighbors, whom are wonderful people, but not your house. It's up to you, mom and dad, to find new people to invite over, then scream at/belittle and attack when THEY don't do what you want. I'm out of the "cult". My therapist is my deprogrammer. The world is a beautiful place far from violence and cruelty. Life is still good.

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