Sunday, August 07, 2011

Handling Things One Day at a Time

The Fine Artwork of Carolyn McFann

It's a quiet Sunday here at home. I'm working on my computer with Harry Potter movies in the background. The cats are downstairs, blissfully asleep in the kitchen together. They love the kitchen table/benches set I bought recently and sleep on or in it all of the time.

My heart is heavy, as I do miss my parents very much. Contact will only make mom try to dominate me again. She can behave herself here and there but then the urge to control eventually takes over and all Hell breaks loose. Every outburst of hers takes another chunk out of me. I cannot subject myself to this anymore. All the stupid, condescending "advice" (endless, unwarranted) really got to me, too. Normal parents may assist with helping, but they don't talk down to their offspring (especially as an adult) as if they are incapable, less-than or somehow mentally limited. I am none of these things and resented the constant assaults on my character. Other people who give advice are nice about it, and that's ok. I'm not so sensitive that I cannot handle help. But mom knows how to push buttons, and push them all, with a sick sort of inner pleasure that is just wrong on every level.

Mom told me that she "doesn't want to be (my) enemy" when she came up to me at ReStore. Who wants to be enemies, I don't, I just can't take her cruelty. End of story. I told her at that time, "I'm not your enemy, but there has to be mutual respect if there is to be a relationship". She looked at me blankly. It just doesn't register in her that I have a brain, or have my own viable opinions. To her I'm just being "difficult, stubborn or disobiedient."

If I had a dollar for all the times I was called "stubborn" by my parents in a derogatory way, I'd be filthy rich. I'm not stubborn, just persistent in having my own opinions, my own mind and my own way of doing things in a family that does everything to discourage this. Dicouragement came in forms of threatening with abandonment (in more heated arguments) and cruel insults or put-downs (their severity depended upon the the heatedness of our disagreements). I ignored threats of all kinds, as nothing I've ever done was that bad to warrant them. It isn't fair. I get dumped on with all this garbage, and now I am the one who looks like an idiot for needing to separate from my parents while they act like the wounded party for having a daughter do that to them. It's not something I want to do. If I don't, the family insanity will seriously destroy me, no exaggeration. I am only doing this so that I can keep what's left of my sanity. I'm an intelligent, capable person who deserves respectful, kind people in my life. That is NOT too much to ask, but for them, apparently it was. It hurts.

None of us are getting any younger. Who knows how much time we have left iin this world. It hurts that we wasted so much time in life fighting over mom's endless efforts to control me, and that this separation has occurred (even if it is justifiable). I have never taken my parents for granted, but I will never be their whipping post, either. Those who have not lived in a home full of abuse don't know how to react to this, I'm sure. Well, it's not easy walking a tightrope. If I keep relations going and say nothing, I'm a doormat with no brains or life. If I leave, I'm an ungrateful daughter. I cannot win. This is the dilemma of the grown-up child of an abusive mother that has chosen to blame others for her issues instead of getting help for herself. EVERYTHING is loaded onto the adult child to deal with..getting counseling (for damage done by the abusive parent), setting boundaries, walking away if things get too unbearable and devastating. It's undeniably tragic and if there was a way to fix it, I would've done it by now. Because I've spent my entire life trying to. It's just not fixable.