Life has been going well in general. I crave peace, and an existance free of drama, as I work hard on my business happily from home. Still, there are people who are hard to deal with, hard to love at times and are in generally very disappointing to me that I keep in my life despite their hot/cold, Jekyll/Hyde personalities. It's very frustrating to me, when you want to love family members who love me back but in a less than healthy manner. I do my best to keep firm boundaries and get heck for it: put downs, assumptions that I am the problem, never them. It hurts. Why, I ask myself was I born into a family who spends so much time complaining, picking on others for their faults (weight, etc), and then pretend to be oh so nice to the world to cover their true personalities. Many people just walk away from people like this. I only choose to stay because they are the people who gave me life and I do love them.
It's really frustrating when I listen to my parents make rude comments about those who are overweight, including myself. Jokes, rude comments (that only we, not the person in question..except me..hear). Who died and made them the weight police? I've endured so much crap about the weight I have on me, which I have gained and lost like a yo-yo on and off through life. Serious, mean comments and digs made to "shape me up" and "make me see the light". I tell my mother to stop, yet she loves to do it anyhow, saying things like, "There sure are a lot of fat people in this store today, they are all walking time bombs!" (or something to that effect). All my life I've heard these things. And been told at times, "You shouldn't have a birthday cake, you don't need the calories", etc. I went out and bought my own cake anyways, nobody was ever going to control me or my life - as hard as they wanted to..and continue to want to.
As I have gotten older, I've had to endure being treated like a "second class citizen" who is "less than" them, needing endless, digging "advice" for simple, obvious things that I know. Many parents do this, but mine have made it their mission to try and tell me what to do, think, say as an adult to the point of put-downs, cruel comments and other bad things if I don't "step in line". Being strong willed and having a mind of my own, I have fought it all the way, as it's MY life and I can take care of myself. My way. It's called "stubborn" and "pig-headed" by my parents but to me, it's called "health". And I am steadfast in my beliefs, which just annoys them and gives them cause to criticize, lecture and pick on anything different than who they are and what they think. They endlessly gripe about every commercial on tv, how "they shouldn't do that", or "that is stupid". It is like they are trying to make themselves authorities on what is wrong and right in their own worlds. The truth of the matter is, the world doesn't revolve around them and their beliefs, and neither do I.
So, I gripe. I'm tired of being picked on, lectured, looked down upon. I want to love my mother despite endless crap and abuse she's dished throughout the years. Years of therapy and help from the authorities when I was young has taught me that my thoughts matter, that I am better than that. I am stronger now, and am trying to figure out now, in my middle age, how to deal with them at this stage in life. They come over and we usually have a good time when they do, but then in an instant it can all go to hell by something my mother says. She likes picking fights then looking down her nose at me when I don't listen or fight back. I don't have to deal with her if I don't want to, and sometimes I back away. I've moved out of the country, across the US to get away from her and her mouth, but now I'm back and love Ohio so I'm not going anywhere. I want to make it work between her and I but I won't stand for abuse. From either of them. Nobody should have to worry about this kind of thing, I have seen healthy families who get along and respect one another and so I know what healthy relating is. How I wish it was consistent and a norm with us.
So, I work, and work hard. I cherish friends and my pets. Life is good otherwise. I cherish the knowledge that I have on abuse and how to deal with it, and the very capable therapists who taught me about it long ago. Sure, there's more to learn about it, and I'm no expert, but I hold my ground, keep the boundaries as firm as I can. My mild manner is who I truly am, kind and laid back. Mother used to tell me how I was "hyperactive" as a child, but the doctors said that wasn't true. It feels good as an adult knowing my own truths, and no matter how much mud is slung at me, I know that I am OK and that nobody defines me but me. If only the pain would go away, of wanting a family free of aggressiveness, cruel remarks and hot/cold treatment. Therapists used to say that this will never change so I accept and deal with it. This is what a survivor is, and I am proud of living through it. And for accomplishing things that were never expected of me. With hard work, dedication and knowledge, my life is good, after all. I thank God every day for it.