The Holiday Season is Now Here

It's now late November. Thanksgiving and Black Friday have now passed, and Cyber Monday is now approaching. I really don't like shopping in crowds so I have been home, working on making products for my store and digesting wonderful turkey leftovers.

It was a very memorable Thanksgiving with mom and dad here at my house. Finally free of Thanksgivings at that snobby, rude and nasty lady's house (her daughter and husband were nice but she was just terrible). It's so wonderful to have my parents to myself, spending quality time without fighting or socializing with others. Something we haven't had the chance to do on Thanksgiving in over ten years, at least. And the food this year was far superior to previous years elsewhere. As a team, the three of us chopped, assembled, made pies, and everything else to create a feast beyond description. Dad made his mother's pumpkin pie recipe, mom overseed the stuffing and turkey. I helped make stuffing, stuffed the turkey and made a ton of mashed potatoes. Nothing was burned and it all was perfect!

Now, I have a refrigerator full of amazing leftovers, as do my parents. We split it all up so they could take half when they went home. The cats didn't care to eat much of anything. Matt had a little turkey but Beau was totally uninterested as usual and had his canned food instead. Nobody went hungry, we all ate our fair share and are continuing to do so, even a few days later.

It's amazing how controlled mom was, I am so proud of her for not being angry and overly domineering. The meds she takes help for sure. She was bossy but that's not too bad. I respect her knowledge on cooking, as she's an amazing cook. She even started getting out of control with her attitude but somehow, miraculously roped herself back in! She was more respectful and able to hear other views than her own. I nearly cried it was such a step in the right direction. I am very thankful for this, along with all of us being in good health. We all have a lot to be thankful for. This first Thanksgiving in my house was a total success.

Now I'm back to making products for my store, putting up the Christmas tree and decorating the house in general for Christmas. The homemade wreath I made is on the front door, the mantle of the fireplace is decorated with garland, candles and other sparkly, festive items such as candleholders, poinsettia and more. I ordered window candles that should come this week, to finish my decorating off, and give this house that extra holiday flavor. Mom and dad thought of the same thing and got window candles for thier house, too. We all decorate with our pets' safety in mind, as cats think decorations are playtoys most of the time. So far, so good!

Matt and Beau have been enjoying themselves. They hang out in front of the fireplace or under the Christmas tree, enjoying the lights. As for me, the ambience is so wonderful. I love it when the living room and kitchen have decorative touches and lovely warm lighting to make them glow. Bouquets of very realistic silk flowers I assembled earlier in the month are here and there to add touches of color to it all. It's all good.

google-site-verification: google7067dc8e96d74570.html The Fine Artwork of Carolyn McFann

Getting Ready for the Holiday Season

It's early November, we've already had our first snowfall here in Ohio and winter is coming..along with the holiday shopping season. I'm busy getting my store ready with new products, keeping me busy designing day and night. It's not work to me but fun as I sit here in my recliner or at my desk, at the computer, organizing and publishing my designs. On either side of me are the cats, both of them are never far away. It's cute seeing them happily sleep on their "thrones" (an ottoman and an old desk chair).As for me, I have my fire in the fireplace, tv on as I work and a pot of coffee to keep me going. Many years back I tortured myself by working for others, sitting in cubicles doing things I hated to do. How wonderful it is to work here at home, in peace and relative quiet. To me, atmosphere is very important for focusing and concentrating.





All is going well between myself and my parents. Yes, mom is still difficult (even on her antidepressant meds, which she's finally taking)but I take it in stride the best I can. Boundaries. I don't want or like drama orconflict (which she thrives upon),so I enforce my boundaries when needed. It works. She thinks I'm "grouchy" or angry at times, but she says that about anyone who doesn't do what she wants. I am above it and just keep going. Life is good and nobody is going to ruin it for me. Peace and happiness are what I want out of life. We all did amazingly well together when the three of us went for breakfast in Little Italy (I haven't been there in years!) and drove around areas I haven't seen in awhile before going to the Designer sale over at Legacy Village last week. It feels so great when the family all gets along :)

In driving around in our old stomping grounds (Beachwood, Lyndhurst, S.Euclid, Cleveland Hts, Mayfield, etc) it was fascinating to see how the years have changed things. Cedar Center's plaza has been mostly razed on one side, just gone, and on the other, everything has been changed. Some neighborhoods we used to drive through when I was a kid have deteriorated, some shopping areas have improved. It's hard to believe I've lived so long to see such major differences in cities, neighborhoods. The improvements to some places makes my memories of how it once was seem quite aged and almost prehistoric. It's surprising and fascinating at the same time. Time moveth on.

At the fashion sale, it was the last day and everything was half off. I got three leather coats, adding some style back into my wardrobe. I'd given some of my old clothes away, including stylish old coats when I moved to
Florida years ago so it's nice to have coats that aren't just utilitarian but also are attractive. One coat is long, down-filled and leather, that should keep me very warm here in the snow belt of Ohio. Mom got a bunch of clothes. Unfortunately there weren't mens' clothes at this event, but dad will be getting his own clothes on his own soon. Good! He deserves it!

My tulip bulbs have been planted, along with an onion (originally from the supermarket but it started sprouting so I just planted it in the garden and it took hold). Planting is over now. Chickadees come to my birdfeeder here and there, all the leaves are now off the trees outside. My hibiscus trees are doing well inside, adding a little greenery and flowers to my otherwise plant-challenged decor. I keep a  fire in the fireplace most of the time, so it feels cozy in here.

I'm thinking of putting decorations up for Christmas but am too short to hang lights outside so I'd need to hire someone to do that. Maybe just a nice wreath and decorate the hearth and stairwell/landing upstairs with greenery. It takes ungluing myself from work. After finishing my work, my energy is nearly gone, so maybe taking a day off from work will be the best idea. I'll put up a Christmas tree, but will wait until after Thanksgiving to do that. Tradition. Matt loves to play so I may have to leave the bottom of the tree undecorated or there will be ornaments (or in his mind, "cool, new cat toys") all over the house! :) He's so cute, like a big, furry white kitten. Beau doesn't play much but Matisse makes up for that for sure.

I'm watching a Harry Potter marathon as I write at the moment. Great movies. Yes, I'm a Potter-nerd :) I have to get the last movie still, it just came out in the stores. Next week, it will be mine. I never tire of watching the Potter movies, with their beautiful scenery and likeable main characters. Those movies are pure creativity in many ways. Love them.

Time to go back to work now. Yawn. I'm designing plates, laptop cases, notepads and much more right now. I dream about my work. It's a passion..and I must keep going. It's a wonderful thing and so very worth it all.







google-site-verification: google7067dc8e96d74570.html The Fine Artwork of Carolyn McFann

The Joy of Autumn

It's glorious Fall here in Northeastern Ohio, and I love it! The trees are coloring up so beautifully here in the country. It looks like a pastoral country postcard here with rolling hills and various colors of foliage and purple asters everywhere. I turned the heat on here in the house recently, and bought a lovely fireplace insert so now I have a lovely and safe "fire" in the fireplace. My cat Matisse loves to sleep in one of the recliners next to the fireplace every day. Both him and Beau are fascinated and get mesmorized by the flames. It's so cute to see.

As for me, this is my busy season, non-stop drawing and designing products for my online store, Two Purring Cats Clothing & Gifts. Right now I'm designing covers for Blackberry Curve, Samsung Galaxy and Apple iPhone. It's fun but there's MANY to do so I am working on it pretty much 24/7 right now, with a cat on either side of me while the marathon goes on.

This weekend I will pry myself away from my work to plant many, many bulbs in my garden. Tulips and Anenomes, mostly. It will be so pretty in the spring, I hope they prosper and grow like crazy in the soil here. There is much to do in the garden. Whenever I work on it, the cats sit in the windows overlooking it and watch. Cat TV. It's cute to look up and see them there. Being deaf and housecats, they don't go outside but don't seem to care about that. Both of them are content watching tv, being wherever I am and meowing loudly in the stairwell just for the heck of it (especially early in the morning..like roosters crowing). I have opera cats! :D

I finally bought a new refrigerator, so for the first time since I got this house, I have a large-sized fridge to use, instead of the dorm room sized cube fridge that is now upstairs in my office there. It feels so good to shop in the stores now, and not needing to worry about squishing my groceries into a tiny space! The new fridge is a dream, so glad it's here!




google-site-verification: google7067dc8e96d74570.html The Fine Artwork of Carolyn McFann

Fall is Here, Life is Good

It's a lazy Sunday afternoon here, outside it's pouring down rain but the sky is half bright and sunny. Thunder is booming in the distance, but the sound of rain is relaxing. I like days like this, with no need to go anywhere or do anything. Just peace, quiet, the cats sleeping nearby and the computer on, as I research my next drawing. Earlier I made some Chinese food, Honey Chicken (well,heated it up anyways), for lunch. Very satisfying.

Yesterday I took the neighbor kids out to the movies, to see The Lion King in 3D. Mom wanted to go, so she went too. Aside from mom harshly criticizing my driving (I drove fine, she just always needs to control/stir some sort of drama up about whatever), she behaved herself the rest of the time, and all went pretty well. The kids had fun, I bought them a refillable bucket of popcorn so they chowed down like crazy on that. What a cute movie, the artistry of the animation and background scenery was just gorgeous.

After the movie was done, we walked to the car and little Eden (she's I think, 8 years old) was giving her younger sister Joy a hard time in the back of the car. Little tempers were beginning to flare because they both wanted to sit in the window, not in the middle. Poor little Joy, I told Eden to scoot over so her little sister could sit in the window. She folded her arms and wouldn't budge, defiantly. I told her "No problem, we aren't going anywhere until you move over, and I have all day, so you can choose what you're going to do about it." Next thing I know, I saw her discreetly moving herself over, millimeter by millimeter. He he, it worked. I waited until Joy had enough space to be comfortable (a few minutes) and then we left. All was fine after that. It's interesting to see how their little squabbles quickly dissipate and are forgotten. We all enjoyed the drive home, and after dropping everyone off, I went home and took a nap.

I would love to have the energy of three kids under 13, their youthful ways are fun to be around but it feels good to go home and recuperate afterwards. They are three of ten (soon to be eleven)kids! Their parents are saints, how they handle them all so well without losing their tempers. They treat them all equally, with respect and a gentle firmness. Being an "only", it's interesting to see them all relate with one another so well.

So today is a day of total rest. This coming week I get my new refrigerator delivered as well as the fireplace insert I ordered, making the fireplace complete for the upcoming cold weather season. After much research, I got both of these items at good prices. When the quality and price is right, I buy. It will be wonderful to have a working fireplace, making the living room even more of a comfortable place than it already is. As for the refrigerator, the new one is big, so I can finally retire my small cube-sized fridge to my upstairs office, to hold pop and milk only. It has served me well but it's hard using such a small refrigerator on a full-time basis. I had it down to an art form, shades of college dorm rooms!

Next month I plan on taking Meraiah, the oldest girl, horseback riding. Her first lesson! She's all excited about it and I know she's going to love it. We've been to the farm where the lesson will be, a lovely farm with nice people, quality horses and inexpensive lesson prices. My kind of place. My back is sufficiently healed up enough to ride by now, and I look forward to jumping again. I'm still as incorrigibly horse crazy as I was when younger, just a little more creaky, that's all. Stiffness won't stop me from doing it, though, not at all. In time I plan on getting another horse when the time is right, so I'm going to enjoy getting back into the swing of my old passion of riding again.

The sky looks like a Michaelangelo painting out there, very dramatic clouds of different hues, rays of sun coming from them. The rain is over now, and all is quiet again. Time to watch some tv and be useless. Love it.





google-site-verification: google7067dc8e96d74570.html The Fine Artwork of Carolyn McFann

The 9/11 Tragedy, Ten Years Later

Rest in peace, all who died as a result of the tragedy on 9/11/2001. You are not forgotten.

All day I've been working on the computer while watching the recap of the tragedy on 9/11, ten years ago but it feels just like yesterday. I remember it just like it was yesterday, though. All those people, just gone. It's just beyond comprehension. And quite a few of those who worked so hard on the wreckage have cancer and other physical ailments as a result of their bravery. Then there's the families and those who survived the carnage, only to end up with Post Traumatic Stress and grief over losing friends and/or loved ones. It's just so terribly unfair.

When 9/11 hit ten years ago, I was at a hotel in Las Vegas, having flown there the night before by my ex-boyfriend, who was attending a huge professional bakers' convention there. Here we were in a lovely high-rise on the 15th floor, in a pretty suite overlooking the city. I had the flu (caught the day before, what bad luck), and didn't do much since my head was spinning, but I turned on the Today show the morning of the 11th and witnessed the collapse of the Twin Towers and the rest of the horrible chain of events. It was surreal, terrifying (especially since they targeted American Airlines, the airline I'd flown in on the night before).

Nearby McCarran airport the night before had a steady flow of planes flying in and out, which could be seen from our suite window the night I got there. On 9/11 all planes stopped, of course, and instead there was a jet fighter plane circling the city, guarding it. Las Vegas would've been an easy target, so loaded with large crowds of people and high-rises (such as the one we were staying in). The city still operated after the tragedy but in a subdued, guarded way. The Forum shops were off-limits, closed, as was some of the attractions. When we went to the nearby Hoover Dam, state troopers inspected cars and asked questions before all of us were allowed to cross it, and we weren't allowed to stop on it at all.

When my ex and I had lunch at Caesar's Palace, we watched people across the way all watching the tragedy on many monitors on walls, normally used for horse race gambling, I think. You could've heard a pin drop, it was so very quiet. I remember feeling overwhelmed with sadness, and how I wanted to go help those working at the site in NYC. Being sick with the flu, that wasn't going to happen. My ex and I had a rental van, so we drove to southern California after his convention wrapped up. Wherever we went, I was glued to the tv, trying to get updates on what was going on. It was too devastating an event to not be aware of what was happening. As we drove around, we saw crowds of people waving American flags and holding signs in support of the USA. It was wonderful to see such solidarity of people all over, we all needed comfort during this time, and seeing the people together like this was heartwarming.

My ex and I went to see Jay Leno at the Tonight show, it was the first show after a respectful break away from comedy at that time. We ended up in the front row there at the studio, the place was freezing cold. Jay wheeled out a motorcycle and stars such as Tom Cruise and Arnold Schwartzennegger came to sign it. The motorcycle was eventually auctioned off on Ebay, with the proceeds going to the families of 9/11. A very noble cause indeed.

After nearly three weeks away, we drove the rental van across the US, back east to home. We'd been in constant contact with my parents in Ohio, since the tragedy was a confusing, scary time for us all. Our trip wasn't joyous or fun (who could have fun after experiencing such a major loss of innocent, good people?) This trip was more a study of humanity as we'd seen so many people out and about as we drove, showing flags, displaying them on cars and shirts, and everyone seemed to be more open with one another. We talked to others in restaurants about the tragedy more than we ever would've previously, as everyone was grieving together. An interesting lesson in human psychology, more or less.

It's Beginning to Feel Like Fall Around Here

Fall is coming, with its cool temperatures and colorful leaves..I can't wait. At night it is actually kind of cold now, which is wonderful. After living ten years down in hot Florida, I really enjoy the cooler temperatures now, along with fuzzy blankets and clothes. It's almost that time, love it.

My parents showed up at my door a few days ago. I was surprised but sort of happy to see them, after all they're my parents, no matter how frustrating our family dynamics are. They stayed for a half hour or so, and we talked as if nothing had gone wrong. There was no talk of anything negative, just everyday, normal topics. It felt good to talk with them, as I have missed them. I still know that mom is on her good behavior right now, and will revert to her mean side the longer we spend time with one another, but the short visit brought no problems and for that I am very grateful.

I showed them around the house, so they could see how I've decorated and painted it so far. The cats enjoyed being petted by them, and all was good. I feel relieved that we are getting along, no matter how inconsistent things can be, but I'll take any good times I can get with them, since it's not easy being away from people I do love. Things are not back to normal yet between us, but it's a start. I still don't feel like falling into her spider web again, where she tries to dictate what I should or shouldn't do (at their house) so I will be friendly but still fairly detached, for my own safety. Boundaries.

Otherwise, I've been busy working on my website and starting new drawings, since I now have a new computer tablet, bought on Ebay for a fraction of it's original price (yet still brand new). It feels great to be back in the swing of work again, after a very long break to move and settle in the house. My office is more efficient now than it was previously in the old apartment, and in a much better environment. I can watch birds at the birdfeeders as I work.

Soon I plan to put a downpayment on a really beautiful canopy bed at a local store this week. I've been looking long and hard for the right one for awhile now, and finally found this beautiful bed, not cheap but worth getting. I had a canopy bed as a kid, so this one is a major improvement - much bigger and is more intricately carved. It will look beautiful in this house, too. I have to measure the top platform, to make sure it will fit up the stairs, and if it does, then I'm going to get it. My reward to myself for working hard on moving and handling family drama without losing my mind.

The cats are enjoying this cooler weather, both of them have heavy fur coats so it is better for them to not deal with heat or humidity. Beau curls up on my bed with me at night, he loves the fuzzy blanket. Matt likes his kitty house nearby. All is right with the world.

google-site-verification: google7067dc8e96d74570.html The Fine Artwork of Carolyn McFann

Late Summer in Rural Geauga County

Living in the country is just awesome. After a lifetime of living in the suburbs and at times, in the city, the peace and slower pace of rural life is just so relaxing to me. It's great because I'm not so far out that I can't get to town fast. The county seat, Chardon, is only a ten minute drive, and crowded suburbia is twenty minutes away, a straight shot down the street that I live on. Love it.

Out here the air is cleaner, there are less lights so the stars are more visible in the sky at night. There is an observatory not far from here, so people who enjoy astronomy meet to see the stars once a month. I went once and it was spectacular, saw a Perseid meteor shower. Someone had a huge telescope set up and we could even see the rings of Saturn from it. Amazing.

Driving down the streets here, there are state parks, farms, fruit stands, a drive-in movie theater, Amish restaurant, an ice cream joint (it seems many rural places always have an ice cream stand someplace close..remember it from going to summer camp as a kid in different country places). There's a golf/country club down the street, a huge reservoir with lilypads all over the lake and horse farms everywhere. It's heaven. Life doesn't get much better than this.

I've been busy decorating the house, finding furniture to compliment it from different antique and other places. I bought a small telephone/side table for $10 recently and refinished it, now it looks like new. It was so easy and only cost me $10 in supplies. Now the table looks like it could sell for $100. I'll be doing this again, now that this was such a success. I love beautiful wooden furniture and there are loads of places around here to find it at, at reasonable prices. With all this room (three bedrooms) space to spread out in, decorating and finding just the right pieces is fun.

My new birdfeeder is beginning to attract birds now! It will get much more use in the winter, which is brutal out here in the Snow belt, but for now I'm just happy to see the few birds that have come - goldfinches, cardinals and mourning doves.

The older I get, the more I crave a less anxious, slower-paced life. After being very social and mobile throughout my younger years, living in other states and dealing with all the activity it took to do that, it feels great to just slow down and take it easy. My values have changed. I still plan on travelling, just not at the same pace as before. I don't have to. My business is established and runs itself. Doing my artwork is my passion, and I can do it from home, and post the designs to my store whenever needed. All these years of planning and building this business has paid off, it is rewarding to see it all take shape and grow like it has. There is always work to be done, of course, but it is less time consuming now, which gives me the ability to pursue other hobbies.

People sometimes ask why I don't bother to go out on dates much anymore. My dating life was full and fun in my twenties and thirties, but in my forties, it got boring and stressful so I just stopped it, with no regrets. I have male friends, of course, but dating drags me down so I just don't do it anymore. The last man I dated was a gold-digger, what a joke. The one before him was an arrogant playboy. I know how to pick 'em..not! The BS just was too much and I love being single and independent, nobody drags me down, there's no drama. Growing up with a colossal "drama queen" for a mother, I seriously hate drama and avoid it like the Plague. I'm not lonely, and enjoy being able to do what I want, when I want, without the need to explain myself to anybody. It works just fine for me. When I want to socialize, I do..but it's great to come home to peace, quiet. My home is my sanctuary.

A Peaceful, Ordinary Day

A calm and lovely day. The weather has been sunny, cool and dramatic, here in the country. There are clouds everywhere, but the sky is a rich, bright blue. With weather so perfect, I had to get out and drive around, it was just too nice to stay inside.

In the morning I stopped at a local Amish-run donut store. I rarely get donuts but every now and then a good splurge feels good. There were kindly, older Amish men getting donuts too, they are so polite. I bought a large cup of black coffee and a glazed donut, and a few more glazed to have for breakfast another day or two. Heaven.

At a lovely boutique-like animal feed store I looked at birdfeeders of all kinds. It was quite the selection of all kinds, so it took time to look at the different ones with all their various features and styles. I'm kind of picky about what I buy, wanting something stylish but not hard to clean. A pretty copper one caught my eye, with floral embellishments, so I bought it and went home to hang it from a tree in my front yard.

Now it's all set up and ready for the birds to notice it. The cats are really going to enjoy the view from my living room windows. It's perfect cat TV.

Later I will get a hummingbird feeder as well. I looked at the ones in the store but didn't see any that I wanted so I'll go back and check later, as they said they get new types in all of the time. There are many hummingbirds around here so I know when I find the right one, it will get used for sure!

After working in my garden a little, it was time to come inside and do some work. How easy it is to spend all day out in the sun but chores must be done. I shampooed the carpet upstairs as the cats watched with great interest. My little helpers, always close by, checking out what's going on.

There are cicadas singing in the trees outside as I now work on my computer. The wind is blowing the leaves in the trees, it's so serene and wonderful. In a month or two it will start to cool down, as we approach fall. Until then, I'm enjoying each and every summer day here in this new house. I'm so thrilled to have many windows, for the light to come in here like it does. Such a change from that cramped, dark old apartment I last had. It was stylish and in a trendy part of town but oh, so flawed. This place is perfect for me.

I can't wait to buy peony, rose, hydrangea and other bushes to landscape the front. That will wait for next spring since it's late in the growing season to plant things now. Little by little, this house becomes even more of a home than it already is. Life is good and getting better all of the time. In the grand scheme of things I am a very lucky person and I am thankful for all that I have. When feeling down, I just count my blessings and that helps me to re-center myself. It just goes to show that being in nature, around pets and plants is therapy in itself. Now, if I can just get some birds at that feeder..then all will really be right with the world :D

Handling Things One Day at a Time

The Fine Artwork of Carolyn McFann

It's a quiet Sunday here at home. I'm working on my computer with Harry Potter movies in the background. The cats are downstairs, blissfully asleep in the kitchen together. They love the kitchen table/benches set I bought recently and sleep on or in it all of the time.

My heart is heavy, as I do miss my parents very much. Contact will only make mom try to dominate me again. She can behave herself here and there but then the urge to control eventually takes over and all Hell breaks loose. Every outburst of hers takes another chunk out of me. I cannot subject myself to this anymore. All the stupid, condescending "advice" (endless, unwarranted) really got to me, too. Normal parents may assist with helping, but they don't talk down to their offspring (especially as an adult) as if they are incapable, less-than or somehow mentally limited. I am none of these things and resented the constant assaults on my character. Other people who give advice are nice about it, and that's ok. I'm not so sensitive that I cannot handle help. But mom knows how to push buttons, and push them all, with a sick sort of inner pleasure that is just wrong on every level.

Mom told me that she "doesn't want to be (my) enemy" when she came up to me at ReStore. Who wants to be enemies, I don't, I just can't take her cruelty. End of story. I told her at that time, "I'm not your enemy, but there has to be mutual respect if there is to be a relationship". She looked at me blankly. It just doesn't register in her that I have a brain, or have my own viable opinions. To her I'm just being "difficult, stubborn or disobiedient."

If I had a dollar for all the times I was called "stubborn" by my parents in a derogatory way, I'd be filthy rich. I'm not stubborn, just persistent in having my own opinions, my own mind and my own way of doing things in a family that does everything to discourage this. Dicouragement came in forms of threatening with abandonment (in more heated arguments) and cruel insults or put-downs (their severity depended upon the the heatedness of our disagreements). I ignored threats of all kinds, as nothing I've ever done was that bad to warrant them. It isn't fair. I get dumped on with all this garbage, and now I am the one who looks like an idiot for needing to separate from my parents while they act like the wounded party for having a daughter do that to them. It's not something I want to do. If I don't, the family insanity will seriously destroy me, no exaggeration. I am only doing this so that I can keep what's left of my sanity. I'm an intelligent, capable person who deserves respectful, kind people in my life. That is NOT too much to ask, but for them, apparently it was. It hurts.

None of us are getting any younger. Who knows how much time we have left iin this world. It hurts that we wasted so much time in life fighting over mom's endless efforts to control me, and that this separation has occurred (even if it is justifiable). I have never taken my parents for granted, but I will never be their whipping post, either. Those who have not lived in a home full of abuse don't know how to react to this, I'm sure. Well, it's not easy walking a tightrope. If I keep relations going and say nothing, I'm a doormat with no brains or life. If I leave, I'm an ungrateful daughter. I cannot win. This is the dilemma of the grown-up child of an abusive mother that has chosen to blame others for her issues instead of getting help for herself. EVERYTHING is loaded onto the adult child to deal with..getting counseling (for damage done by the abusive parent), setting boundaries, walking away if things get too unbearable and devastating. It's undeniably tragic and if there was a way to fix it, I would've done it by now. Because I've spent my entire life trying to. It's just not fixable.

Temporary Detente is Reached..for Now, Anyways

The Fine Artwork of Carolyn McFann

What an eventful morning. It went pretty well, despite some awkward moments. First of all, my new bookshelves were delivered today, and look wonderful up in my bedroom. Also delivered was a small telephone table which I got for a great price but needs to be refinished. I ran to the store and got refinishing solvents, and that project will start immediately.

After the delivery I went to the store I usually go to once a week, to see if any new antiques came in. My parents go there often as well, and to my surprise as I was shopping, mom walked up to me. We haven't spoken since our very unpleasant blow-out fight nearly two weeks ago and I wasn't glad to see her, rather, a bit confused on how to deal with this. Be nice and she will walk all over me again. Being rude isn't an option, I just was kind of stoic, unsure how to respond. She looked at me with sad, droopy eyes, just standing there, waiting for me to tell her everything is going to be ok. I cannot do that, but did tell her, "I don't want to fight". She told me that I "must do as I am told in this family" (fighting words but subdued because she knows I am not putting up with it, and especially not in public). I told her,calmly, "I am not your servant. You cannot control me or order me around like a drill sargeant. There needs to be mutual respect if there is to be a relationship. If you try to control me then I will fight it. You do not own me." Other shoppers walked by so we both stopped and changed the subject. We looked at furniture, superficial chit-chat ensued. That was ok, dealing with her superficially is what therapists always told me to do. "Don't get too deep with her, she can't handle it", they had said long ago. True, very true.

Dad greeted me with open arms. I was so glad to see him and hugged him back, I have no animosity towards him except that he should've stood up for me..but never did. It's who he is. He and I chit-chatted some, it felt good because I truly do love my dad..he is not malicious by nature, just extremely influenced by her bad behavior all the time, which is hard to observe. Therapists always told me that it is his choice to do so, and nothing can be done, it's his life. True. He is happy in his own way, and so that is what matters to me.

They returned to their shopping, I returned to mine, and that was it. No plans to see eachother or anything. But it was a good, civil and polite enough interaction. Maybe I should restrict my seeing them to being in public, because mom won't dare throw tantrums when others are around. I don't know. I'm not ready to go back to spending time hanging out with them, not right now. It will take serious boundaries and I don't think mom is even capable of listening let alone respecting them. But seeing them at the store is better than nothing. They're my parents, and I wish them no harm. Just that they show respect and kindness towards me. I'm not their scapegoat anymore and will not tolerate her trying to get her hooks into me for her purposes. She still wants to, I can tell. It's not easy. I will just take it all one step at a time. Living in this family is like living in a chess game, always waiting for the other person to make their move in order to plan what to do next.

So now I'm home again, feeling pretty good. The crystal glasses I bought are unpacked and put away, and the cats have taken over the cardboard box they came in with great interest. Outside cicadas are singing in the trees. It's peaceful and all is right with the world, at least for now. I stopped and bought a latte on the way home, and am finishing the last of it now, too tired to make lunch.

After getting the mail over at the post office and weeding out the mountain of junk mail, I have a huge stack of cool catalogs in front of me. I'm going to check out what's in them then resume putting books in the new bookshelves. Maybe even start refinishing that little table. A blissfully boring afternoon ahead. That's just fine with me.